My Room

Sitting in my room. This is my first post. Looking out my window. I can see one of the many brick buildings that are scattered throughout the Carleton University campus. So many blank windows face me - I wonder if there is anyone watching me, while I am looking for them.

The bright sunlight outside is deceiving. The trees, blowing wildly in the wind are a clue to the actuality of the weather. Cool air gusts through my unwisely open window. Under the pine tree is where I saw my first ever groundhog - I had no idea what that giant, creepy rodent was! I still find them disturbing - rodents aren't supposed to be that big! Its abnormal.

And rats. Why does Ontario still have rats?!?! I am from Alberta, and in Alberta we have no rats - it is excellent and how every province should be. I have never seen a real rat - or plan to, but someone across the hall from me, had one in their room!!!! This is a very disturbing and frightening fact to me from time to time. What is wrong with this eastern land that attracts rats and grows mammoth bugs and rodents?!?!

When first visited Ontario, three years ago, I was horrified to see to size of all the bugs. This problem seemed to be accentuated as my brother and I were staying in our Great Aunt's guest cottage. The cottage attracted bugs. We stayed there for 10 days, and during that time I was introduced to entire new bug species and was forced to have to get rid of them myself as my brother was even more afraid than I was. I had to swish a wasp, the size of three Alberta wasps, under my brother's coat with a shoe, and then scoop it up and take it outside while my brother hid in the bathroom under a blanket - he is only two years younger than me.

Recently, I found out that the average person eats 10 bugs a year... BECAUSE THEY CRAWL INTO YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!!!! The night after I first found that out was not fun. I balled myself up and covered myself with blankets, because for some reason, ever since I was little, I felt safe and secure if I was under my covers. Even from ladybugs - my greatest fear from the insect world.

Ladybugs always seem to show up when I am having a bad day. I sometimes think that the entire species has a plot against me. I used to love them when I was little. My grandma, when she lived in her old house, had a tree that always had ladybugs on it. And whenever we visited, we would play with them! Then something changed. I started to hate and fear them. I hated how they peed on my hand. I hated that would always be in my room. I had a huge window, which they were attracted to. They must have bred, because I would always find them dead in the windowsill, on the floor, everywhere. I thought they just died there to spite me. And then if I found them alive - to kill one - you basically had to pop it and the guts oozed everywhere. I hate them. I also think that I may be prejudiced against them because they are sometimes associated with Mary, the mother of Jesus. Hence 'lady'bug.

I went to Catholic school. And I think that experience may have been the best or worst of my life. It challenged what I believed right to my very core, but left me with huge wounds and prejudices.

I have lived in this room since September. It has been my sanctuary, my new home. The very first place that I lived away from home. It represents my leap into the next stage of my life, into adulthood, into my future. I like it here. I have hundreds of pictures of my friends up from back home. There are also pictures of my family and I have three pictures of my dog up, right beside my bed.

There is evidence of my Office obsession on my walls. An Office calendar - this month is about Ryan, I have a Dwight Schrute poster on my wall:


D - etermined
W - orker
I - ntense
G - ood Worker
H - ard Worker
T - errific

I also have a "This man is a pervert - if seen contact Dwight Schrute 1-800-984-3672" poster - it gets looks every time. I have a Beatles poster above my bed - back when they were young and off drugs, making their best music. I have a world map - it reminds me of all the places I want to go, and how insignificant I am in this huge world. My book shelves are filled with my favorite books and books I plan to read. My mirror is surrounded by my favourite quotes and cards and pictures from my friends. My bed is in disarry, pillows, my beloved pillows, everywhere.

I love this space - but I am getting sick of it. I hate the constant beating of music emanating out of the room across the hall. I hate the voices that constantly rumble through the floor. I wish that I could never hear the occasional sexy noises coming through my bathroom and the wall beside me. I hate the isolating feeling that overtakes me when I am lonely down here. I hate feeling like my room is getting smaller. Trapped in this room. My dungeon, I call it. Also my castle and my loving home.

The clouds are coming overhead and cues my leave and reminds me that I am only here for three more weeks. Three more weeks of joy, sadness, stress, love, disappointment, and growth.

I wonder if I have changed here - what will it be like at home? Have I grown up yet?

I'm not sure. I just know that I cannot wait to go home. The drive to go get there will just make the arrival it all the better! Ottawa to Fredericton to Calgary here I come!

Country roads take me home to the place I belong....

Coming Soon: ramblings from a different location.

(PS - thanks to anyone and everyone, for reading my first ever blog post!)